Bill Bailey The full interview

3:21 All his tea out with laughter and he involuntarily you know obviously CU you're trying to be serious and somber and and he was just going yeah. And and so he sprayed tea all over this elderly relative and she went oh like that and dropped her te and my one my mom. Swore i' never he i' never heard a swear ever my whole life so there's this explosion of chaos so was laughing course my dad was laughing. With the tea couple of old a couple of other old retainers you know they laughed you know my mom actually laughed as well and then swore. And I thought God this is how what a power this is you know I was just a kid muing around on the pi he got a bit of a kick you got. Yeah certainly and he sort of think actually that was a it was a real light bulb moment yeah and then moving on from from there in high school your teachers.

4:13 Recognize your talent as well and um I heard that you had um that there was one situation where an English teacher was fighting with a music. Teacher to get your attention get your time well yes I mean I remember vividly you know there I was in a music lesson piano lesson. And it was just you myself and my music teacher Linda and this the head of English just suddenly burst into the room and just delivered. This Preposterous speech saying that you know I was being taken away from my studies and I shouldn't be doing this and what the hell was I doing. It was you know and she just was not at all in any way uh intimidated by this she was a very strong and um a brilliant. Character and she just stood up to him and just had this toe-to-toe row said how dare you come in here treated him like they and they they were sort of went at it like this and what did you do did you just feed.

5:06 Back you I was just no I was doing yes suspense. Music and uh and and he backed down you know and he just and then then ler apologized and said oh I don't know what happened. There but um it was it was who won the fight moment oh. Oh God you hands down totally yeah wipe the floor boom knock out um and then moving on from there you started performing in the 80s. I think it was ' 84 you formed a double act rubber Bishops yes he started doing musical parodies started incorporating jokes with music as well yeah but the 80s. I mean going back even 10 years for me that was only really when standup starting to started to hit the mainstream but going back nearly. 30 years that must must have been really hard must the clubs must have been fairly empty this is in my head right um and it it just must have been a lot harder doing the circuit.

6:02 Because there was a lot less interest well certainly there was there was a in its infancy um and uh there was you know um really there not the same. Kind of roots to you know performing comedy on TV as there were as there is now there's far more TV channels and there's lots more clubs. And um there's lots more comics and so but but then there was there certainly was a circuit I mean it was it was kind of a bit ramshackled. Make it up as you go along but there was uh a lot of pubs that had rooms function rooms that they would put on his clubs. A lot of enterprising people would start comedy clubs there was a very burdening sort of student comedy scene all around the student unions around Britain. You could you know perform comedy and so it was it was you know yes it was it wasn't quite as big as it is now but certainly.

6:55 There was an appetite for it it was you know places were always full first kick good good or bad oh the first I don't remember the first gig. Me the first gigs we did a gig in in a club in bath and it was a bit of a you know again of shambles. But you know there was something about it that that was there was a couple of gags that worked and a couple of things that we unexpectedly. Worked that we didn't think would work and that's it it's all it takes to to get the bug to get hooked on it and then you just start planning. The next gig and then you know you go to all kinds of gigs and experiences of things going wrong and you know shows going badly. And and then you know then something there's always something about a show you think well why did that work and why didn't that work and you know.

7:42 It takes it takes years to find your own voice in a way have you found it I think you found it I think you nailed. It I think yeah yeah but it's always you know always changing and you yeah as you get older you change as a person and you what what you put in the show. Changes so I think um yeah you you know even now I'll do a show and there'll be something in the show I think well how did that why did that get a l. More than something I've written you know something sometimes you write something and people just go yeah and then you just make some off the cuff. Comment and that gets a laugh so I don't know it's it's what it's what keeps you interested I think it's about you it's not a it's not a perfect. Sign it's not a it's it's always a bit of a mystery and that bug that he mentioned I think it nearly wore off at one point didn't.

8:28 It in uh uh was it the Fringe In '94 you did a show and one person turned up and it was just one comedian yes and you were considering. Doing teny sales so what was it that made you not want to do that was it thought of like doing uh kitchens and selling kitchens. To old women on the phone was that enough to keep you from from doing that mainly kitchens mainly kitchens accountancy books yeah it was I guess. You you I think you have those experiences and they they uh are quite chastening because you know we we'd gone up there with high hopes for a show. And there was we we didn't get an audience I think that's probably worse than than even getting bad reviews and I think you know at least then you're getting noticed. I mean we just no one came to completely ignored and uh that wasn't for the whole run was it or was it uh it was yeah it was yeah.

9:23 I mean pretty much most of the run and uh there was one there was one yeah when when it was a comun Dominic Holland and it was just him in the audience. Yeah and he just said uh just relax Lads you know enjoy yourselves just do the show and me me and sha were like nah n you know what we feel a bit uncomfortable. Yeah this is Sean Lock Me Myself and Shan lck we did this show rock um but then we did we did do the show after edin. We did it in a few places a few art centers we even performed it at glastry so I did have a sort of life beyond. Beyond the The Fringe um but yes it was it was tough because you know quite apart from everything else you know you lose a lot of money. You know you put on a big shot you know costs money and you have to find accommodation and advertising and posters and leaflets and d.

10:09 And so we ended up working off all the debt having to do gigs and and at that point yes it's it's you start to thinking. Where are we going with this you know what where am I going with this so was it that was it working off the debt was that the thing that was starting to put you up yeah I think so because you know when when you're that stage. And you you find it you know it's difficult to get gigs if you're not a known act or name and you have to do triy. Acts you know so you have to go to a club and then you do two or three minutes and then if it works well they sort of look at the books and go well we might be able to fit you in in six months or three months or whatever.

10:41 But that's not going to pay the bills and so you need to find a bit of a shortterm thing to kind of keep the keep the lights on keep the bills being paid. Why Teddy sales I don't know it was just some it was some uh ad job that was advertised just have in the paper in the paper. Just thought well I'll give it a go yeah and uh and I it was it was utterly surreal like some strange being in a play. Like one of those like that Glen Gary Glenn Ross or something you know where the people are encouraged to just you know sell and then if Miss. Make a sale they ring a Bill oh did you actually do a shift did you actually do some T oh yeah oh right. And uh and what was it you selling I was selling it was this it was a completely.

11:25 Unsellable tedious publication that International development review a management review or something it was like it was just so dense and so Arcane this thing was only. Sold to company directors and things like that and it was just impossible to enthuse about anything because it was so tedious you know you try. Yeah I'm interested and you just you feel yourself like dying right dying boredom just saying the words eventually I think I sold a half page. To a bewildered Portuguese hotelier he didn't even know what he was buying I don't didn't they know and then I was got sacked in the end cuz I refused. To wear a tie and I kept saying but it's on the phone they can't see you they can't see you what they can hear the rustle. Of the tie on the no it was this strange character that this office manager that required everyone to be smart and that you thought that somehow.

12:16 Wearing a tie would that would you know translate into your manner on the telephone and uh I couldn't I couldn't see that personally so it didn't work out no I I can relate. I I did a bit of Teddy sales I sold accountancy books it was called um FL memo I think it's not random it was called FL memo. But I got really bored really quick so I put on this old man voice and I pretended to be the owner of this company and I pretended. That my wife was having an affair so I was like hello I'm from FL memo and people took pity on me and it worked and I I was the top I was in the top three sales. People in a group of about 30 people see that's the thing you see I should have just lied got out the piano and L da.

12:55 Just that's right I'm really yeah. You I remember that they had they gave you this sort of this form and it was like you know a kind of script that you had to stick to and then and all these different. Answers you then would send you off in a different direction so it's like are you interested in advertising yes or we go that way. No go yeah turn to page 52 he turn to page 52 and I go no oh you AR okay and so I went down all these things and I I was doing this and and there was a guy next to me. Who had this really sort of like very sort of very monotone voice like this and he's like yes I'm and he was doing this deal. For a bit and then he stopped and he went uh and he scanned the script and he couldn't find anything he went uh no uh what.

13:41 And then he hung up and I and he looked quite s of shaken by it and I said what happened there and he just went. Oh I was in the middle of the script and then somebody said excuse me is this a robot and he got. No but it was it was like one of those jobs I guess that you know you do from time to time and thankfully you didn't stay in there too long. You did a few more years doing doing gigs and led to your first solo show yes that led to your first recording at the blooms 3y. Theater in 97 96 oh 96 yeah uh and although it was recorded am I right in thinking it wasn't released until 2005 that's right yeah. Why were you not famous enough back then did you have to wait a few years and it's exactly that it was down to the fact that they um the company.

14:29 That I was signed to was polygram entertainment it then became Universal and they just sort of thought it wasn't worth releasing at the time because you know. My your profile wasn't high enough you couldn't you know what all all of those things are about recouping they recoup the cost so they thought well we're going to spend this money on thing. We're not going to sell enough copies we'll sit on it for a bit and uh and that's exactly what happened and it wasn't until yeah as you say 2. And the the first in fact the first thing that was was released was um part troll in 2004 yeah and then uh from the success. Of that then they said oh we've got this other show here or we'll release that and uh so that came out um with another show. I recorded um prior to that uh another one called bewilderness I recorded in 2001 but didn't you have the profile back in um like 2000.

15:21 2001 with with black books wasn't there already sure a good enough profile definitely yeah there was and um and that led to the you know. At the time I was was making the TV show and then uh I started to tour uh the show that became partrol and it was when that was recorded. That was the sort of spur to then them looking at back and saying oh we got two more shows that you've recorded well great well we'll release them as well so it sort of they all came out in a very short space of time. Yeah and I loved you in never mind Buzzcocks oh yeah I was a bit gutted when you left actually and I I found a quote. The reason why you left and according to this quote that I that I found it said that you had a lack of desire to continue.

16:02 Humming Britney Spears Toxic to little known figures little known figures in the Indie scene is is that accurate qu it was I mean I was being quite sort of factious. About it but yeah I guess um you know I'm I've done 100 shows yeah and 100 is quite enough of anything you know and uh and it seemed like a good number. To you know say okay well we done that and um and basically it came about because I was um about to do a a tour. With the orchestra I'd written the show the remarkable guide of the orchestra that was happening and it's very difficult to work around orchestras you know it was just booked. Up the whole time you know and when you get a bit of time with them a little window of opportunity you have to take it because it might not come around for a while and so I thought well I have to I've worked.

16:51 So much on this I worked like six months on this show so I had to take that opportunity and also then I was doing a West End show after that and so the two of those things. Meant that and then what actually what happened was a very was there just a very sort of I could a very praic reason in the end. The BBC decided to move the schedule of buzzcock forward by several months buzzcock was traditionally always recorded in the Autumn and then it went on through till. January and they brought the whole thing forward about two months so suddenly I couldn't do half of these shows you know they said oh can you do this show. Oh no I'll be in Brisbane yeah that's going to be tricky then yeah and you know or can you do these shows oh no I'm. Doing the orchestra show and then I thought actually you know what what do I really want to do I you know I've been I've been doing this for six seven years now I think it became very hit and miss after you left.

17:40 If I'm honest I didn't I didn't watch it after you left it was a show that I mean when when I joined and I was I've been doing it for a few years. I had the best fun you know I've known Mark Lamar for a long time and Phil as well we know we known each other a long time. And we had great fun and there was a great there was a real sort of energy and crackle about the show and and I had some of the best. Experiences I've had on television doing that show and uh and I thought you know and then Mark uh left and then um I I've been doing it then for a while and then I just I thought you know what I've. I've had enough of this yeah so I've done 100 shows that's plenty that's loads that's loads I know that you're a big fan of the the labor.

18:23 Party I've got a very big opinion about the labor party right now I think I know what their problem is I think they're missing the point. With appointing a leader who's got the right image en leand completely missed the boat with with him it was a really big mistake I think they can make a very similar. Mistake with Joey Corbin I think he looks like a malnourished Granddad it's just skinny old guy I think by the time next election he'll be 71. So do you think that's right do you think they're just going wrong with the image of leaders I mean all of the political views aside. For one second all of their individual views and everything aside they're just not picking people who look like leaders no well you could say that yeah. And um uh he does he he look I'd say described him as a an erasable woodwork teacher you know and uh he's um he's got.

19:08 You know I had a woodwork teacher just like him technology yeah and uh you know but I think that's that's right now he is galvanizing. Political support and he is uh engaging people in politics that previously had never bothered with politics he's getting teenagers interested in politics teenag is queuing. Up to get to his meetings regardless of what happens with the election campaign and with the future uh you know of the leader of the own party. What's what he's doing now it's brilliant it's brilliant that so many people are getting engaged in B rather like the way that the whole of Scotland. Became involved in the independence debate people who were never even interested in politics before are being drawn into it because of him and so regardless. Of anything else that's a good thing cuz you see yourself maybe going for a leadership labor contest in years to come I don't i' you well that's very kind.

20:03 Who's to say you know you never know um you never know what what the turn in the road is at the moment I wouldn't have thought so no um and I and also seeing. What the you know what pressures it puts you under and the kind of you can see how some of the lab some of those you know people like chuko. Moo was put off the whole thing I think really by the amount of scrutiny and pressure that involves you know not just you but your family. Friends your whole past red up it you have to be have a bit of a thick skin but I think actually you know and then it sounds like I'm talking. Myself into it don't it but as a as a standup you have to have a thick skin you know actually doing standup is a is a great.

20:42 Preparation for politics in a way because you're sort of required to be able to be quick with a quote and uh you know to be able to be confident. In front of the camera you got to have a thick skin you be you got to be called all the names under the sun and be able to just bit bounces. Off and you got to have opinions so are you convincing yourself that you convincing I've just talked myself into is it too late might not be too late. Yeah probably is now probably is yeah but you know it's not unpr I mean in Italy for example an ex standup became a political leader. You know so I mean who knows I know that you're a big supporter of um Animal Welfare yes the only thing I've ever rescued before in my life was a hamster. My brother tied it to a firework uh I got there before he lit the fuse so it was it was safe lucky Escape lucky escape.

21:30 And I heard an amazing story about you and your wife in in China what what happened yes yes um well it was uh we just very long. And involved story but the basic The Bare Bones of it are we were in a uh a town in Southeastern China and in this restaurant. There were various creatures in the window that were on sale but then we realized that actually they were on sell to eat so they were part. That you know chickens rather than yes usually you have a few prawns and maybe a crab and a lobster this was this was snakes and Civic. Cats and salamanders and then in a cage um oh there's the Bill in a cage was an owl uh which turned out to be a Eurasian. Eagle owl which is a very large the largest of all the owls um but uh I mean they're not endangered but there's certain cly you'd think.

22:29 What the hell is this doing in a in a restaurant in a menu so we had a bit of a a discussion with him and we bought the owl. He bought the owl how much they charge it was about $400 I think we paid US dollar yeah and uh and then we um they they celot. Taped it up and put it in a cardbo box and handed it to us and we got in the taxi and that must been one angry hour. Drove up it was really really angry honestly I've never known a thing to be so so cross and uh so that's good because it was a wild. It was a wild animal so we took it out into the woods and Let It Go wow fantastic and what would that feel like it must been amazing. It was we were standing cheering like loons in the dusk for a second when I walked in I thought that was a y you got.

23:14 Well that is a Eurasian eagle actually yeah but it's not that's that isn't the one be AF things things have gone a bit wrong for that one yeah wasn't quite a rescue. Attempt stuffing attempt that actually went um cool and uh like before I I've seen you on a red carpet a few times how do you juggle. Your um work life with your family life is it quite hard well it's uh certainly you have to be on on top of it you know. Otherwise you can run away with you if you take on too much work and then um you realize that you know that other things start to come into play at school holidays. And and important and school events and school plays and and school trips and you know you have to plan much better in fact it's quite good in a way cuz I'm a bit disorganized.

24:03 So it's quite good at being a bit more disciplined um do you ever bring your boy on tours as he come with you sometimes yeah. Me you know it's it's difficult now he's a bit older but certainly when he was a little tidler used to come away and you know. The whole family would go away and we you know we go travel around Australia and New Zealand and Far East and all around Britain but these days I try to make sure that I can get home from a gig. Cuz the leure of the trouser press. Not quite as exciting as it used to be no but the Comforts of a hotel I mean you can't really beat that can you just ring up order a sandwich. Yeah I know yeah I think that's true you know I remember when my son he was about two I mean half two and a half.

24:44 And he was sitting on the bed obviously been watching me order room service and he was watching a cartoon and he just picked the phone up like this didn't take his eyes off the screen and just went. More biscuits and then just put the fan back down and but more biscuits did did come so did come yeah um and I read that you're worth. Seven million now you get around about 500k that's what I read wow you get 500k for each solo show apparently soon it worth um what kind of advice. Would you give to these who's telling you this just internet course it's that tells me okay right um what kind of advice would you give budding. Comics who are touring around the country you hardly making ends meet their travel expenses are outweighing their their fee what they're getting what kind of advice would you give them.

25:28 I think the thing is that you know when you when you're on the treadmill as it were doing gigs are gig off the gig. It can seem like it's very hard to get off that and actually then sort of move up a gear and play to bigger venues and so on you have to sort of take a bit of a risk. You know you have to kind of take a bit of a punt you know and bet on yourself and think well I can do this and that's. And sometimes that does involve like a bit of you know stepping back from it all and maybe taking some time out and maybe writing a longer. Show crafting a show sometimes taking I mean I don't know I think edin still has a is still very significant in bringing a lot of focus. Onto you um and that can actually lead to all kinds of things and that certainly happened with me and it was a bit of a it was a bit of a punt and I spent all my money on this show.

26:20 You know I sort of you know you know commodation and FL posters and all the rest of it and but it was a it was a risk that paid off because it meant. That then I got a you know sort of a video deal DVD deal I got some tours out of it and more bookings and that led to more things. And then bigger shows and I think you have to sort of really be ambitious and try and think uh big and you have to sort of maybe. Think Beyond what's what you're doing right now and I think that you know sometimes that it it's kind it's scary because you you know it's quite you can make a decent living. Touring around you know playing Club and going up and down the country certainly and you can do that for years but if you want to get beyond.

27:03 That you got to aim aim bigger you have to sort of take a risk yeah and what you do with all that money do you spend it all on the family. Are you Frugal do you invest do you blow it I don't know I have very simple tastes you know I like maybe I maybe I like get you know. A bit of nice cheese now and again nice cheese that's one of my advic 7 million quid I'll get some cheese well not really nice cheese you know what I mean like really the good stuff. Really good stuff cool you like blue cheese is that good stuff yeah oh yeah good yeah okay I don't know about cheeke I need to brush up um your show liol. Land what's it all about what's it all about um well it's basically uh a sort of it started out I wrote this routine about was based on a story.

27:48 That I told in the show um about going on holiday and then the things not working out and you know and then it then I wrot then there was another story. Told about a similar thing about you know um a trip that just went disastrously wrong and so then I thought there's a theme starting to emerge. Here of like the gap between how you expect your life to be and how it actually is and I thought actually this is quite a rich. Scene for comedy so I sort of explored that a bit more and there's there's there's quite a lot of personal detail in the show about that and about things like I think we all ask. Ourselves this question of like you know what if I'd done this I'd turn left supp to right if i' if I'd taken that job gone there if IID.

28:29 Pursued that relationship maybe you know if that hadn't ended perhaps this would have happened you stayed doing TIY sales if I done yeah exactly yeah. So you know it it sort of It kind well this is quite an interesting them for the show so that's what that's where the limbo. Element of it comes and I suppose also there's a since I came up with that that initial theme there's other elements of the show which all are of a piece with that which is like you know we're in a state of that now. An un unsure position now is there sort of perhaps you know what we looking at the new Cold War you know we're looking at you know. The sort of the like slight unease that people have about you know terrorism about you know the world about climate change all these things are sort of these these background.

29:14 Worries that make everyone feel Sly uneasy and I thought yeah maybe that's maybe that's the thing and then you know just the general a general. State of the fact that the future was supposed to be better you know when I was a kid you know what I mean like you the future. Was to be brilliant you know we're all driving around health problems will be sorted we will be driving around in hover cars everything would be fine. Sorted and no problems a war and of course that's all nonsense you know and in fact if anything it's becoming more uncertain so and what you got coming up is that sketch show. Happening are you I'm yeah I'm writing the sketch show um and uh we're looking to um uh do that next year so uh it's going to be the tours. Probably going to take over for quite a bit and then I'm in the West End to for over Christmas and then back on the road again.

30:01 Throughout Europe and then throughout the rest of the UK a couple years ago you did a documentary on one of Darwin's Rivals right Alfred Wallace. And you refer to him as one of the great forgotten Heroes of Natural History yeah why was it really important for you to give him the recognition. That you felt he he deserved uh well I think that something chimed with me about him he was a the underdog you know he was someone. Who perhaps hadn't got the opportunities that Darwin had had and uh he was still Keen to pursue this mystery of how why there were so many species. The great question the species question you know and um and so he kind of thought up this uh this trip to Brazil with a friend of his Henry Bates. And they just sort of thought it up and did it and it led to ultimately to disaster.

30:58 Because uh all his his specimens and his notes and everything were lost when a ship sank through due to a fire but it then spurred. Him on to go to Indonesia and or the Malay archipelago as it was known then and write his fantastic book um and eventually independently come. You know arrive at the theory of evolution who was first though because one of them must have been first it's kind of like remember a few years. About 10 years ago there were two films there was ants and bugs yeah and they were they were so similar they came out at the same time. I I kind of think one one Studio must have thought let's do a a thing on tin ins and someone must have heard it and then we'll do that as well or maybe these things just happen. Naturally you know there there's just very often just coincidence like that um uh but just just on the point of wall is it was the fact that his his was a kind of that that sort of punk.

31:55 Aesthetic that I aspired to when I was I suppose and that was that sort of do-it-yourself element but yet I mean about they they were not necessarily. Rivals I mean that's just let be clear about that you know Wallace was purely about uncovering the answer to the species question Darwin was more circumspect. About it he had a reputation to protect and he came up with a theory in 1842 and didn't share it with anyone because he realized. The implications of it because it was basically denying God it's like saying you know up to that point the belief was God created everything and everything's. Fixed the end and he will say no species change over time they evolve or transmutation was what the TRS call it so Wallace just through his own enthusiasm. And curiosity comes across this Theory out in the Wilds of Indonesia in a malarial fit and he communicated with Darwin by a letter because Darwin.

32:50 Was uh he was asking for help for uh specimens you know Darwin had a medical condition which we think was probably chagas's disease. He contracted in South America and he never left his home he was really didn't like traveling at all and so to get to study and to make. And to to continue his studies he needed specimens so he he got people to send him things and so they've been communicating a little bit. Wallace comes up with the theory of evolution the greatest thought ever to occur in the human mind yeah and thinks well send it to Darwin. He might be interested in that oh so it was W who came up with it first no no Darwin had come up with it many. Years before but hadn't really hadn't published but Wallace was about to publish so had Wallace published he would have got priority because PR publishing confers.

33:41 Priority yeah although Darwin privately had come up with a theory many years before so they were not really Rivals but when Darwin received the letter. He was just it reconfirmed what he thought well he was sh shocked and shaken and thought someone has got there so that prompted him to publish. And that then he published the Origin of Species and that's how we know you know Darwin's name is forever associated with the you know with cracking. Evolution and on your journey you came across some very cheeky monkeys at some point right yes indeed we did the prosis monkey in uh in Borneo. Which is in a state of permanent arousal which is permanent erections right yes. Erections which is probably pretty annoying is that because what they eat is that that their Fitness regime yeah I think it's what they eat um did you take any have you got any people do go over there and get the guides.

34:30 To say so what is it what's the monkeys can you get me some and what what is it's very very toxic oh the monkeys have got. A way of dealing with the toxicity uh in their stomachs but humans can't take it that's a shame shame real shame um and and to finish. I'm a big treky we went to the Star Trek convention of course last last year um best Star Trek Captain who' you well you know what. I've uh i' have met I've met Shatner I knew you're going to say Shatner I knew you out with I knew it yeah I've got to go old school. He of all the uh I met I met a few of them I met um Mr COV and uh and you know and Mr Sulu. And Shatner are the best wig of all of them in a magnificent wig great wig did you one the best did you touch it did I did little.

35:28 Little yeah yeah magic no he was brilliant slightly Bonkers but brilliant so why Kirk over Picard uh I think vulnerability okay bicard seemed to be you know he was too much in control. You know but Kirk had a sort of had a you know more of a loose cannon can yeah he was a Maverick. Yeah I see the link cool Bill thank you very much you're welcome cheers sorry oh. When you came across the uh the monkey with permanent erections was that when you were oh that was the other thing.