Interviews · 9 July 2018
Tom Ward The full interview
Tom Ward interviewed by Kevin Durham, 9 July 2018. 7m 24s on tape.
In this Tom Ward interview, the stand up comedian talks about how he got punched by a woman who wanted cocaine, bombing at a stand up comedy gig and his new show Popcorn Lung. Tom Ward is a British comedian known for his distinctive and unconventional style of comedy. He has been active in the comedy circuit since the mid-2000s and has made notable contributions to British comedy. Here are some ways in which Tom Ward has influenced the comedy scene:
What's on the tape
A transcript, made by machine from the audio and tidied up. It gets names and the odd word wrong, so treat it as a way to find the bit you want rather than as a quotation. Every timestamp jumps to that moment in the video.
0:02 Because of that face I'd like to think it wasn't I have I don't normally wear glasses but I have brought my glasses because I was outside a pub. Last week after a party yes and as we were leaving me and two other comedians were getting into an uber they in fact were in nuber. By the time I came downstairs and they were waiting for me and the side door was open for me to get in I was about to get in the car and a woman. Comes up to me and says have you got any cocaine and I say no I don't have any cocaine I was wearing a very expensive. Paul Smith coat so I look like the kind of woman yeah. And she said get me some cocaine I said I don't have any you can get some no I know you can I was like I don't know anyone.
0:42 At which point she climbs into the uber and grabs the driver and asked him if he's got cocaine what she really needed a line so you're both in the boat. Carnell no I wasn't in the ubirr I was just outside just trying to get in she then clambered in the driver then drove off he shoved. Her off and drove off leaving me with her at which point she says get me some cocaine I try and cool the friend in the back of the cab you say where have you gone she punches. The side of my head as I'm holding my phone knocking the phone onto the floor smashing the phone to pieces my contact lens flies out of my eye and then it's. All a bit of a blur and I'm picking up my phone and then I'm walking away hastily and then she follows behind me and then punches.
1:23 The bouncer in the face Oh so more of the story is carry cocaine on you and stay off drugs as well because you know if you really like them you know you could be in real trouble yeah. Yeah Wow so I I now need to use steroid drops in my eyes for six weeks six times a day for three days this week and then 5. Times a day after what a nice present she gave me and after where these bloody nerd I thought they were part of your act for a second. Up on high but I feel weird when I wear them I don't feels a bit I know they look all right but they're just generally. Don't normally wear something and anyway I wearing someone else's jumper at Christmas because you're one got wet or something something felt very where's worried about you right now.
2:03 Very nice am I allowed to swear on this oh you can swear will be / all right [ __ ] off yeah. And where's wally cheap criticism I'll wear them on my head okay. So have you had many bags in your time yeah I've had a few bad gigs I've done about 2,000 gigs so I'd say I've had 20. That I'd rather not forget I'd rather forget okay but I probably won't ever what be your worst ever I'd say there was there's been a few. Where you shut her afterwards but there's one for some reason pings into my mind because it was in Redding and the first three minutes was glorious. Reading Festival now it's reading just to describe just a gig in a pub in Redding and just before I went on the guidebook me said I want you to smash.
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2:52 It and I was that okay cheers for that went on first three minutes brilliant absolutely brilliant so brilliant I said to the crowd this is how I always start. My gigs absolutely smash it and then I'll go downhill from there yeah and then for the next 22 minutes I went downhill so badly as if to honor my claim. Faithfully right to the end and it just was horrific but I stuck it out and then at the end I tried to sneak out of the venue. Without anyone seeing so I went out the emergency exit little did I know that the audience had also been shepherded out of there and I had to hear them all coming up towards. Me saying how they felt about me how badly did you bomb so there's there's different levels of bombing yeah I bombed a couple times with other things.
3:32 Before and I know there's a level bombing where people just don't laugh that's one level yeah and then there's a whole new level that I discovered. Last year where people not only avoid eye contact with you they look like they wanted kind of kill you it wasn't I wasn't murderous because they were essentially. Good good folk who wanted to have a nice time yes and they just were terribly disappointed I think more so because I'd started so well it's. - well you have had that where you just got you're so charismatic for over a short period that you know you're going to burn out you're. Using all your charisma for the next week what are two gigs yeah can tell you're the kind of guy to have a lot of charisma a little. Bit it does burn out going small doses just very small you don't over OD on my charisma yeah yeah I can see that yeah I'd.
4:17 Be under your spell but then I'd soon be spun out with all the others that so that level Walbaum comes in that's where you over to OD. On the charisma people get ashamed to look at you yeah now was it was very unpleasant very unpleasant and now the person that booked me every. Time I hear his name or see his name I just yeah I don't want to ever see anyone related to it again unless they're all in a room and I'm doing really well and then I can say there you go you [ __ ]. What what joke was it what gag was there a ganked it no no I just wasn't I wasn't on it he wasn't I was tired. I'm making excuses and we're professional yeah I was getting paid fifty pounds I should have done better yeah it was a Tuesday it's fair enough I had no excuse.
5:00 To be tired on a Tuesday you poor just broke even with your expenses yeah probably made about 31 pounds fifty there you go travel yeah it's. Not great and then I spent it all on booze and snacks for the trip. Yeah and you've got a news that new tour coming up I'm gonna show it Edinburgh Edinburgh yeah yeah my third hour popcorn lung it's called popcorn. Lung based after the disease you get a few vape or if you work in a popcorn factory in the 90s it's about perspective and how you can't. Count on it because it's always changing and therefore every story you have about what's happening is liable to be found out to be wrong or to be needing. An update yes and yet we cling to our stories and then we get told that we're wrong and we have to drop the stories and then we cling to the next one because you have to in a way just to have any normalcy.
5:51 Or whatever is there any story that that pops to mind when you say that from this from the show I try and why do I do is I split the stories. Into two so the first bit tells you something and then later you find out something else so that you then have to see oh I thought I understood that from the story and then later on we're. Like oh I got that wrong okay so yeah cool you know for a bit of exercise. Time what we're gonna do so we've got a couple performance we have Gabriela okay Russian [ __ ] and then we got didn't she she knows you called her that did she yeah that's her name Russian. [ __ ] [ __ ] that's her name that's the name right. Okay I want you to know that I'm only if I say her name now I want you to know that this is what I've been told.
6:40 He's been fine and then we've got Dennis the Russian dance God okay yeah so one put one one performer is gonna partner up with one of us and it's. Gonna be a Russian dance workout off sounds horrific yes is that like I'm trying to randomly combine two performers at all no it's almost like you had to squash them both in for legal reasons not at all no no or to avoid someone being sad exactly. Yes so if someone is sad yeah and I suspect it would be the was it the right Dennis the love God what was he crushing. Dance got the Russian dance go we don't wanna send him home said no with a any Russian you want do it that's when you watch no I've seen documentaries on Netflix.
